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As I have begun sharing and speaking about the benefits of giving up control, it has been especially rewarding that my message has resonated so strongly with people.  I have found that so many people are ready to let go.  Quite simply, they recognize that their controlling methods and devices haven’t served them well, particularly in our increasingly complex world.

The goal of this “Decontrol Yourself” blog is to expand that message to others by creating what I hope will become a participatory forum and discourse about the many facets of the control dynamic.  In particular, this blog will:

a) Examine the harms of excessive control in vital life arenas—particularly parenting and family, intimate relations, friendships, the work place, and creative endeavors;

b) Offer effective tools and techniques for reducing the need and compulsion to control; in other words, teach you how to lose control;

c) Share the unexpected and often remarkable personal and professional rewards that occur when we are able and willing to lose some control.

Are You a Controller?

The type of control that we will address on the Decontrol Yourself blog is excessive or domineering control.  This “Are You a Controller?” quiz will help you determine if you suffer from this type of control issue.

Generally speaking, the need to control people and situations most often comes from our unwanted and unprocessed feelings (or “Personal Truths”) such as fear, worry, anxiety, anger and resentment, insecurity, rejection, and the like.

On this blog, I will try to be as specific as I can be in addressing important control issues and in recommending strategies that will diminish the urge to control.  As part of this process, I will share my own personal experiences with the powerful control dynamic, as well the stories of others I know and have counseled.

In this first post, however, I wish to share my core beliefs as they impact control.

Core Beliefs

The first is that life is in a constant state of motion: fluid, shifting, changing directions, ebbing and flowing, and always moving.  As such, it is impossible to hold on to it—yet that is precisely what controlling actions attempt to do.

Imagine you’re trying to hold on to a rapidly moving conveyor built.  You may slow it down momentarily, but you would either get burned or dragged along in the process.  These “rope burns” are the side effect of trying to slow down or manipulate life, and I will explore them (and how to avoid them) in future posts.

Secondly, we cannot change or control others in any meaningful way.  All the effort and energy we expend in trying to do so, whether by reasoning, pleading, hoping, threatening, cajoling, or other controlling means, is for naught and at great cost to our own personal development and serenity.  Others can and will change, if and when they choose.

Lastly, I believe that within the natural flow or energy force of life, lie innate wisdom and the potential for inner peace, and the solutions to many of our most challenging issues. I have learned that the more I am able to live my life in accordance with the currents of this rhythm, the more peace and serenity I am blessed to have.

I have also learned many times over that the key to living in this flow is my being willing and able to relinquish control.  Releasing control frees the currents and offers us the opportunity to glide intuitively, creatively, and spiritually within them.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

Thank you for your visit today.  I encourage you to subscribe to my RSS feed or sign up to receive my posts by email.  Future posts on the Decontrol Yourself blog will explore effective tools and strategies for letting go of control.  I’ll also share the many benefits that you will enjoy when you do.

Take it Easy,

Danny Miller
Author, Losing Control, Finding Serenity:  How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go


  • Don Posted October 27, 2010 6:21 pm

    I love the concept of Losing Control. Sometimes when I get caught up in to many things and start to stress out, I’ll step back do what I like to call a “Forrest Gump”. In example, if I’m trying find a place without great directions, I just Forrest Gump my way there. Just like the character, he’s oblivious to most of life’s stressful details, yet he seems to always land on his feet.

    • Danny Miller Posted October 29, 2010 2:44 pm

      Don, thank you for your comment. Thank you for sharing your Forrest Gump “decontrol” tool. Over thinking and analyzing, and under trusting are two things that compel us to control more, and unlike many of us, I don’t think Forrest Gump is prone to doing either of those two things!

      Take care,

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