Most of us strive to improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially, and we continually explore ways to do so.   The means we try are numerous, varied, and personal.   Some people read self-improvement books; others attend talks and seminars offered by “enlightened” people.   Some use life coaches; others see therapists.    Some contemplate and reflect; others meditate.  Many pray for understanding, wisdom and courage; others find ways of being of service to those less fortunate.

Some peoples’ lives improve quickly; others slowly.   And some not at all—although not for lack of trying.

An Overlooked Key to Greater Success

All of the above ways can improve our lives.   I have used many of them myself, some more successfully than others.   In doing so, I have learned that there is an often overlooked, but important key to achieving greater success—whichever paths you follow:

Let Go of Control!

Let me explain what I mean.   When we are too controlling—particularly of others—our time, energy and focus is off of ourselves.  Yes, we may feel we will be better off if we can change someone else’s annoying or ineffective ways, but the fact remains that our focus is still on “them” and not us.

Finding The True Power to Improve Your Life

When we stop trying to change or control others, we can work on those parts of us that deter us, that divert us, that disrupt us—and that ultimately deprive us of the joy and contentment we seek.

12 Step programs refer to these obstacles as our “character defects” or “shortcomings,” and they include such things as our anger, resentments, fears, shame, guilt, arrogance, judgments, negative attitudes and the like.

Simply put, your True Power to significantly improve your life lies in working on improving your own shortcomings—and you can really only do that when you stop trying to change or control others.

That is why the central theme and purpose of both Losing Control, Finding Serenity and this blog is to share decontrol tools and strategies that will allow people to relinquish control in such vital life arenas as parenting, family, love, friendships and work.    And as I have repeatedly stated, you don’t have to give up total control; for most of us, our very nature won’t allow us to do that anyways.  However, releasing even “partial” control, or a little at a time, will work wonders.

Are You Willing to Accept this Challenge?

For the remainder of this month, I challenge you to do the following three things:

*Loosen the reins on your children.   Trust that they can make good decisions and the right choices–for themselves.   Allow them to fail and learn from their failures.

*At work, trust and delegate more to your co-workers and employees.  Don’t insist, persist, or resist as much.

*At home, listen attentively to the concerns of your spouse or partner, without advising or offering your opinion of what they should do.

I hope you’re up for it.   Because if you are, I guarantee you that you will have more time, energy, and desire to both think about how you can improve your own life in meaningful ways and begin doing it!

And remember to,

Let it Go!



  • Galen Pearl Posted November 18, 2011 4:27 pm

    Seems like I have a conversation about control and the lack of it several times a day! I was just talking earlier today with my daughter about how she can’t control choices that her boyfriend makes, and how she is causing herself suffering by continuing to try. Of course, I was trying to control her by trying to get her to let go of control. Sigh!

  • Daniel A. Miller Posted November 21, 2011 3:48 pm

    Very good point, Galen. It is truly difficult for caring parents to let go of parental control.

    However, perhaps your daughter will learn from her current “suffering” not to be so controlling in her future relationships.


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