In my radio interviews following the publication of Losing Control, Finding Serenity, I am frequently asked for advice on how people can deal with the control freaks in their lives, whether it be a controlling spouse at home or a control freak boss at work. I would like to share with you several effective way to tame controllers.
Well into my adult years I was an obsessive, massive controller in all areas of my life. Indeed, I frequently describe my former self as a controller extraordinaire.
However, even during my controlling worst, there was one thing that invariably relieved my strong need to control everything and everyone.
Confidence in Others!
When I dealt with competent, confident people—particularly at work–it was very easy for me to relinquish control. Why? Because I trusted they were good at what they did—maybe even better than me! Control freaks are accused of many things, but being humble is not one of them!
Simply put, controllers need to feel reassured that things will be properly taken care of and that everything—including them—will be okay.
Why? Because,
Controllers are Fear Driven!
They are constantly engulfed by their fears and anxieties. (That is why I write extensively about how to defuse our fears in both my book and this blog.) Controllers constantly worry and obsess about all the “what ifs” and “what might happens.” In a nutshell, that’s what compels them to control. They believe—erroneously—that only through controlling means will they secure what they need—or feel they need, because the truth of the matter is, few truly know what they need.
Knowing all this about controllers, here are three things you can do to help you tame the controllers in your life:
* Act as confidently and self-assured as you can around them. Even if you aren’t, act “as if” you are! In doing so, you will likely become more confident!
*Reassure them. Let them know that you will take care of everything—that you are there for them. “Not to worry,” so to speak.
*Don’t engage them. By this, I mean let them vent and get things out of their system. And don’t take any of it personally. It’s not about you. It’s all about them, meaning their fears and apprehensions. In that manner, you can more easily do the first two things.
I really believe that if you start doing these things, you will begin taming the controllers in your life. They sure helped tame me!
Please let me know how it goes.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is!”
Danny
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